Friday, March 12, 2010

"What Are Those Big Balls For, Anyway?" --Macy

It all began with a much-beloved cat

that was named after a goofy-looking vampire.

The much-beloved cat had a problem.
He was bladder-control challenged.
He sprayed. A lot.
It started out once or twice a week.
Then it became daily.
And although he only ever did it in his litter box,
it filtered out into the rest of the rooms,
and soon our house had a permanent smell of ammonia mixed with death.
We could no longer take it.
An appointment was made.
You know, for a little snip snip.
(We weren't positive this would cure the spraying,
but we were optimistically hopeful.)
And while we were at it, a little claw-removal.
My kids were terrified.
Although they had been the recipients of many a gaping claw wound,
they loved this cat more than anything in the world.
After much reassurance, the deed was done on Monday.
We picked him up on Tuesday.
And missing a few vital body parts.
(We had no idea that neuter = castration.)
His paws looked like they had been put in a blender.
His rear end...well, you can probably imagine.
His eyes were goopy from artificial tears they used during the surgery
and made it look like he was constantly crying.
He couldn't walk straight due to the sedation.
He hid under beds, something he hadn't done since he was a kitten.
He growled when we came near him.
He didn't make a peep for three days.

We had to try to keep him from licking his wounds
which proved to be impossible.
So we bought a Cone of Shame.
When we put it on, it was the saddest thing ever.
He just went limp, submitted completely.

Until we put him down, and all heck broke loose.
And it was clear he was going to injure himself more by trying to get it off.
The Cone of Shame was removed.
Finally, we let go. We let him lick. And so far it's been fine.
More and more I questioned what we'd done.
Was it really worth putting him through this just cause of a putrid smell?
Should we have just stuck with the neutering
and bagged the de-clawing?
I didn't know.
But luckily, each day gets better.
He started meowing again.
He started eating and drinking again.
He started trusting us again.
He started spraying again.

Wait, what?
He's still spraying?
And it's where this time?
In our CLOSET??!!
You've got to be kidding me.
This was the ONLY reason we had him neutered.
He doesn't go outside. Ever.
He wasn't going to be impregnating anyone any time soon.
And he's not cuddlier, as was promised.
So basically I just put my cat through hell on earth
(and as a result, all of us),
cut off the poor guy's family jewels,
and paid $170 to have him start spraying his disgusting FUNK
all over my house instead of nice and neat in his litter box like he used to.
Totally FRICKIN' fabulous.

Anyone want a cat?


andrea said...

I hate cats, and you almost had me in tears!! Until the end, of course. Am I misunderstanding what the "spray" is? Shouldn't that be impossible without the baby batter makers? Let me just repeat, I hate cats. GOOD LUCK!!

Alicia said...

Andrea-- it's not "that", it's actually just urine. But I KNOW there has to be some difference, because the smell, when they spray is a million times stronger and nastier than when he just pees. I used to think it was "man juice" as well, but in my Googling I learned it wasn't.

a girl in a gorilla suit said... juice! sick.

i am with andrea...just not a cat person or a dog person or a bird person or a fish person...ok, maybe im just not an animal person in general. BUT i still laughed, so thank you for that!

{ bRee } said...

Poor little guy!

MARISA said...

Okay, I was rolling at this post....then I read the "man juice" part and about rolled off my chair! My husband is going to die when he hears that term. You girls are too funny! Alicia, I too dislike dad actually traps cats and takes them and drops them off at 20th and the river. Not in, but on the street! Anyways, sorry to hear about the spraying, did you try googling an answer to that?

Rachael said...

Don't take this the wrong way, but I am so GLAD I am not you! My heart goes out to you, seriously. You could always leave the front door open and just leave it up to fate...

dandee said...

another reason we are a pet free home.

sorry for your misery.

Brenda said...

ha ha ha I can't stop laughing long enough to write a good comment.........don't get me wrong, I am not laughing at you....I am laughing with are laughing right? If not I guess I am just laughing at you.

Alison said...

Reasons number 478, 479, and 480 why we will not have pets. My girls keep asking for a Dutch bunny and I just keep saying No way!

melissa mae said...

I was a vet tech for a year, and one of my jobs was to neuter cats. We would just line them up and go down the row. It was actually really fun and really interesting, but those poor kitties! I felt so bad when the woke up!

Anonymous said...

Well I didn't laugh or find it funny at all. You said that poor damn cat's paws looked like they'd been in a blender, this isn't funny, this is tragic for that cat, his toe ends have been amputated and it rates a one liner. If you didn't know that tomcats spray in the house and should be neutered at 6 months and you didn't know that declawing was the amputation of the toe ends and NOT a "little claw-removal" what the heck were you doing even having a cat? It's you who needs to wear the collar of shame.

Alicia said...

we called to make an appointment a year ago to have this done when he was still a kitten and the vet said they absolutely will not do it before six months because their tiny bodies can't handle the sedation. Six months is the EARLIEST they would do it, between then and a year. And it broke our hearts to see his little paws like that but I would do it again if it meant protecting my children from dangerous bacteria-ridden cat scratches that can make humans incredibly sick.

I'm sorry if my post offended you. It was a horrible situation for a few days but my cat is doing great and I choose to use humor to express situations that are otherwise humorless. You'll notice there was no hint of laughter when I described his condition after the surgery. We were heartbroken and we have done nothing but baby him and love him and help him in any way we can while he heals. He is a member of our family and I stand by my decision to do what was best for that family.

tharker said...

We had a cat growing up, and he sprayed all of the time. Worst smell EVER! So sorry that it's now in your closet.

Get off your high horse! If you read Alicia's post, at would see that she obviously loves this cat, and has taken very good care of him following the surgery. Go back to the PETA picket line, and find an animal who really needs protecting, because I think this one is doing just fine.

Bill said...

I think the funniest part of this post was the ridiculous way in which "Petra" felt the need to respond. Are you kidding me?? May I say that I went back and forth from the post and then to your comment, Petra, and no where did Alicia say "that poor 'damn' cat's paws..." You really shouldn't use that word when talking about this sweet cat. try to be a little more sensitive when speaking about him or his paws...he just went through a tough time and he doesn't need your negativity. You need to go to your next PETA meeting and explain to yourself and the others that sometimes these things are done because there is a valid need. Love and adoration for the cat was not put aside in order to go through this procedure. He is doing just fine and that is because he is cared for and loved. So the next time you want to type without thinking....just don't. Nobody wants to hear it.

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Marilyn said...

Blog trolls SUCK!

This post made me laugh [and feel sorry for you guys], and then I read Petra's comment and then I just got mad.

verification word: minds [no joke] as in Petra needs to MIND her own business!

Heather K said...

I too had a sprayer cat and a clawer cat. BUT we had the surgeries at two different times because the claws became a problem much later than the spraying.

My cat still sprayed a bit after the neuter but only for like a week or two until after he had healed, stopped being pissed at me, and settled back into life. I really really hope that yours does the same because it is NO GOOD to have the stinky. However, mine never got more cuddly. My Steve McQueen is the antithesis of cuddly. He is hilarious but not cuddly.

Pish posh on the claw business. Your kids are more important than your cat (that you also treat very well). They are. Duh.

Plus you only put him through one surgery. We had to put our guy through two (although he loves his cone of shame because he has territory issues and now it smells like him, and when he was wearing it we would take it off to let him clean himself and he would cuddle close to it, clean it, and stick it back on his head!).

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you mutated the cat and now you don't even want it. De-clawing cats is so very inhumane. What a lousy animal owner you are! Shame on you! 70% of cats are abandoned or destroyed because people get them w/out thinking it through. Now, how does it defend itself should it ever be in the wild? How does it climb a tree to escape a predator? You left it defenseless!!

Lisa said...

wow alicia your following is fantastic. i think that what i love best, is when people judge without actually knowing someone. it's my favorite.

i think this post was fan.bloody.tastic (poor choice of words? my bad)

why did you leave out the tail bobbing, fur shaving, and ear peircing. goth kitties are rad!

Vanessa said...

If the pet thing doesn't work out, you could always eat him. He'll be a lot easier to catch without those claws.

Seriously though, my childhood cat was declawed and he still caught birds and defended himself just fine. I think it's good you had him neutered to help with cat overpopulation, if nothing else. You are a good pet owner :)

Shayla said...

Wow, people are weird. Why, oh why would you go around writing nasty stuff on people's blogs that you don't even know? And over a cat, of all things. Seriously. Love ya, don't stop the good stuff just cause of the haters.

Grizzly Girl said...

First things first, I have to say that I love your blog. I have been following for a while, and just keeping quiet - until now. lol

I am a vet tech, and can't believe your vet actually sent him home the day AFTER both surgeries. In every vet clinic I have been to, they have all kept the cats for 2 days AFTER the declaw. It's a very painful surgery for them, and most clinics like to keep the kitties to make sure they can give proper pain medications and treatments. At the clinic I work at now, we have the cat come in the night before surgery, just so we can put a VERY strong pain patch on them to get them ready for surgery. Then we leave it on for the next 3 days to make sure their pain is under control. We also wrap their paws and leave them on for a full day to make sure they have some time to heal before they are just out in the open. Shame on your VET - not you - for sending him home the day after surgery. No wonder he hid from you guys and treated you like crap. It's NOT your fault, I blame your vet.

Some cats also take a while to calm down/change their behaviors after neutering. It actually takes a couple of months for all of the stored testosterone to get out of their system. I hope he starts using the litterbox very soon! (I know how stinky the spray can be!!!)

And BOO to the anonymous trollers who like to start drama with people. I will never understand why people have to be such a**holes.

Candy said...

lol! i just love cats, so i can see how u must have felt putting your cat through surgery. still enjoyed the post, though.

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