Monday, September 29, 2008
Paruresis (pronounced /pærjəˈriːsɪs/), also known as pee shyness, shy kidney, bashful bladder, stage fright, urophobia or shy bladder syndrome, is a type of phobia in which the sufferer is unable to urinate in the (real or imaginary) presence of others, such as in a public restroom.
Another diagnosis to add to my growing list. This time, a self-diagnosis. I don't need a doctor, a procedure, or a bunch of tests to tell me I completely freeze up when I have to pee in the presence of others. The weird thing is, I only started having this within the last couple of years. But it's getting worse. My experience at the ob-gyn today proves this.
So I already needed to pee--bad--on my way to my yearly. But I didn't go before my appointment because I knew they would want to do a urine sample. You know, the routine preggo test. (Why is it even though I know there's no way I could be pregnant, I am always so curious to see what that little test will show? It was negative, in case you were curious.) Anyway, sure enough, as soon as I walked back to the little blood pressure-taking room, the first thing the nurse did was hand me a cup and sent me to the bathroom. She went over the "clean sample" instructions with me and left. No biggie. I got this. So after following steps 1-3 on the chart next to the toilet, I sat, cup in hand, and relaxed. This was when I remembered: Me no pee. I sat, listening to the nurse shuffling around in the little room next door, wondering if the walls were actually made out of cellophane. I tried my hardest to block her out, and concentrated on going. Nothing. Focus. Remember how full your bladder is. It was at this point that I heard the little metal door on the other side of the wall open and close. The nurse was already checking for my sample!! I didn't even have a drip!
Oh, this is just great. This should really help me go now, the stress and pressure to already be done. If there had been even a slight chance that my bladder was nearing cooperation at this point, it was long gone. Now the room next to me was silent. I tried to tell myself the nurse was off doing other nurse-y stuff, down the hall or in with another patient, no where near within hearing-distance. But it was so quiet. What if she's in there, reading charts, and can hear every noise I'm making. Or--horror of horrors--what if she's listening, waiting to hear the little door open and close to see if the sample is there, ready for her to test?! Just kill. Me. Now.
New tactic. Turn on the water. This is a risky maneuver, I know, because anyone listening would assume I was done, washing my hands. But desperate times call for desperate measures. The water goes on. And.........nothing. I'm beginning to panic a little, wondering what would happen if I walked back out of the bathroom with the empty cup and claimed stage fright? Seriously, what can they do to me if I cannot physically go? If this is all about a pregnancy test, I can save us both a lot of trouble and tell you in no uncertain terms that there's nothing in there. No, I can do this. I mean, come on, it's peeing!! How hard is this?!
I was just about to pull my last trick out of my sleeve when the little metal door on the other side opened again. OH COME ON, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN IT'S THERE!! Do you really think this is helping?! Let me pee in peace, for the love of Pete!!
Now the nurse is out in the hall, just outside the bathroom door, talking loudly to another nurse. I think she's caught on at this point (unless she's missing half her brain) that I'm having a little problem and is trying to help my plight by conversing loudly. You'd think this would help, be better than the ominous silence, but, alas, it only told me that not only was there one possible overhear-er in the hallway, but two. With cup in hand, I covered up my ears. It almost worked! I squeezed out a few drips, but completely psyched myself out with excitement. By the time I got the cup down there, everything had shut down.
I've probably been in the bathroom for ten minutes now. I half expected the nurse to knock on the door and ask if everything was okay, or, if she was anything like my mom, ask me if I "fell in." But she didn't. Yet. I wasn't going to let it get to that. COME ON, you can DO this.
I was out of ideas. As a last, desperate attempt, I turned the water on one more time and focused yet again on just how full my bladder was. And.....SUCCESS!!! I've never been so happy to pee in my life. I got the cup down there faster than lightening, before my bladder could change its mind. I held the full cup up. Never before had I seen such a glorious sight. I promptly opened the stupid metal door and shoved it in there, still on the toilet. I didn't even have it latched shut yet when it opened on the other side. Impatient much?
I contemplated what I would say when I went back out, if I'd make a joke about uncooperative bladders or apologize or simply say nothing. I decided on the joke--always the best way to fix an awkward situation--but the nurse didn't even give me a chance. I think her idea for dealing with awkwardness was telling me to stand on the scale before I'd even made it out of the bathroom door. Oh well, whatever. I didn't care. My bladder and I had shared a triumph together, and nothing was going to ruin that for us.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
The article was written by a woman in New York who let her nine year old son ride the Subway home by himself. He had been begging forever for her to let him "find his way home" from somewhere, so one day she left him in Bloomingdale's with a subway map, bus pass, $20 and some quarters (she didn't give him a cell phone because she thought he might lose it) and went home. She thought nothing of it. A little while later, her son came home ecstatic, wanting to know where else he could find his own way home from.
Since then the woman has been shocked to find that almost everyone who has heard her story wants to turn her into CPS. She's been all over the news, defending herself. As the article went on and I read her defense, I went from being shocked and horrified (and ready to call CPS myself) to seriously thinking about what she was saying.
I've had many conversations with my fellow mom friends about how different the world is today and how things that we did growing up, things our parents allowed us to do without blinking an eye, we would never in our wildest dreams allow our kids to do. It does make me sad (and frustrated) that I don't feel safe letting my kids play in our front yard without me. I can't imagine letting them walk down to our mailbox alone. The fear of abduction and getting hit by a car has me keeping my kids within a five foot radius of me at all times. I don't even let them ride the school bus. All my friends, in varying degrees, feel the same about most of this. We've shared horror stories of people we knew who let their child do this or that (gasp!) and didn't ever try to hide the fact that we were judging them for their horrible parenting skills.
But as I read this woman's reasoning, I started to feel a little ridiculous, and a little sad at the things I've deprived my kids from. She said the number of child abductions is actually way lower now than it was fifty years ago. We think it's become an epidemic because everywhere we turn there's another headline of a missing child, but really it's the opposite. Because there are fewer now, they are covered more in the news. We're just hearing about them more.
Think about it: Our kids are no more likely to get hit by a car nowadays than we were twenty(ish) years ago. So why don't we let our kids cross the street when we were roaming the neighborhood (often past dark)?
I couldn't deny her logic, and part of me sat there, hopeful, thinking, "Really? Can I let my kids go play in the front yard and continue to do my dishes inside? Can I really let them walk down to their friend's house, five houses down?" But as much as I'd love to relax my limits with reckless abandon, I can't just forget seven years of maternal paranoia.
So, I'm taking small steps. I know I shelter my kids, way too much. I have to remind myself that I am doing them no favors by keeping them ignorant to what goes on outside these four walls. Tonight I was looking at pictures of the Hurricane Ike damage, and Macy started looking over my shoulder. Normally I would have shooed her away and quickly changed screens, thinking it would freak her out and give her nightmares, but instead I took advantage of a good teaching moment and explained to her what was going on in the pictures and what these people were going through. She looked in fascination and made numerous comments about the plight of these poor people and how thankful she was to live in a place that doesn't have stuff like that. Maybe tomorrow she'll go get the mail. Maybe not.
So what do you think about all this? Do we have reason to protect our children as fiercely as we do, or have we been scared into thinking the world is not safe?
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
and that smoking is bad for you. It's crazy talk! NO ONE will EVER believe this.
Lindsay Lohan Confirms She Is Dating Samantha Ronson
I, for one, am shocked to learn that a female deejay who goes by Sam, dresses like
Boy George and spends all her time cuddling up to a hot young actress is gay.
I don't know about you.
Lance Bass Knew Exactly What To Wear To Celebrate This News
His fairy wings.
Christina Aguilera Says She Feels "Sexier Than Ever"
After Giving Birth
Uh, could that have anything to do with the fact that her, ahem,
chest now resembles two basketballs?
It's okay, though, she finally found a bra that will fit.
Jessica Shows Off Her Body After Baby
myself and my five pound loss.
Whoopi Goldberg Reveals Crush On John Mayer
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
The world at your fingertips. Never have there been truer words. We live in an amazing time, when there is nothing we can't find out by tapping a few keys. For someone like me, who wants what I want NOW, Google is the greatest invention known to man. I can't even describe how empowering it feels to know that there is no question raised that I can't find the answer to in a matter of seconds. Google seriously has to top my list of things I can't live without. Besides the wealth of information, I love how their logo changes with whatever season or event is going on.
Here is a list of just some of the millions of things I've Googled:
> swollen uvula
> eyelash pulling
> Juno movie quotes
> definition of the word "macabre"
> Weight Watcher points for IHOP
> symptoms of a brain tumor
> pictures of Robert Pattinson's hair
> symptoms of TMJ
> Sharing Time ideas
> answer to hotel riddle
> filming dates for Twilight
> tour dates for Phantom of the Opera
> lyrics to a Britney Spears song
> hotels in Forks
> synonym for the word "intense"
> causes of headaches
> how to reattach a severed limb
(okay, that last one was a joke)
To name a few. What have you Googled?
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Sometimes I sit down to do This Week in Hollywood and it's fairly easy. Other times it takes me forever to come up with stuff. Sometimes it's dang hard. There are weeks where celebrities just aren't being funny. Or maybe I'm not. But one thing is always constant: every week as I click on picture after picture of the rich and famous, there are always faces that pop up again, and again, and.....again. I get so tired of seeing these people, whether it's because I just really don't like them or just because they are everywhere, that I thought this un-funny week I'd showcase these photog favorites.
I've decided I only like Jessica Simpson when she's married. Newlyweds was on back in the day when I watched MTV, and I actually liked it. But once she and Nick broke up, well, she's not rockin' my favorite list. Her newest venture--country music--just makes me laugh. She started out as a Christian gospel singer. When that bombed, she went pop. When that bombed, she went all pure country on us. I'm anxiously awaiting her rap album.
Now, I actually like Katie. Her husband makes me want to chew glass, but Katie, I like. I think her daughter is adorable and I think she herself is classy. She's beautiful, fashionable, and poised, and handles the scrutiny well. So I guess this is a pity pick. I just don't like seeing her everywhere because it makes me sad. Look at that little girl hiding her face in her mommy's chest! She has had a camera in her face since she came out of the womb. Probably as she came out of the womb! Leave the poor child alone, and leave her mom alone as well. Go after the psycho dad, he deserves it. However, I have to say, Katie, not loving the hair. It was one thing to have matching mother/daughter haircuts, but matching husband/wife? Uh-uh.
Yes, I'm thrilled for her that she finally settled down and found happiness. What rubs me the wrong way is that she found that happiness by being a complete home-wrecker ("you can't help who you fall in love with" were her exact words I believe, or something close) and then displaying every single aspect of that relationship on reality show after reality show, as if we care. But, you know, the cute little word-play titles of each show make them totally worth watching, right? Her next show should be called: Tori Inn Dean-ial
The Jonas Brothers
I've already knocked their skinny jeans (but have yet to mention the uber-cool cowboy boots and hair that looks like it's permed) but haven't really delved much into just how annoying I find this trio. The fact that they can't seem to go anywhere without each other and proudly display their purity rings...I know these should be noble, admirable qualities, but for some reason it just weirds me out. Maybe if they all looked like the one with straight hair I would be more apt to enjoy pictures of them huddled together, grinning goofily at the camera.
Okay, I don't know this chick at all. I know that she has or had a reality show about her family and I think they're rich and she's known for her ghetto booty. That's about it. She's on Dancing With the Stars now, and that's why she pops up in every fourth picture on People.com, but does that mean I have to like it? Basically I can't stand it when reality "stars" get more press time than the A-list celebrities. I mean, I could go on America's Got Talent (I can pick stuff up with my toes, you know) but does that mean you all wanna start seeing pictures of me walking out of Walmart splashed all over the internet? I think not.
She's starting to become normal again, and I'm bored of her already.
Sorry, Rach, I just don't like her!! Every time I get online she's there, staring me in the face, saying "Look at me! Look at me!" NO, Lauren, I will NOT look at you. So there.
The only celebrity who consistently wears clothes with her own name and face emblazoned across the front, she was actually quoted this week as saying: "When you have your BlackBerry taken away, it's like the most painful thing ever." This was her answer to the question of what the hardest part of jail was. Oh, Paris. You continue to make our world a better place by allowing us to take your picture and look at you. Thank you, thank you.
Friday, September 19, 2008
So even as a toddler, when I should have outgrown the sucking thing, I sucked. My mom would give me gum in church to shut me up and I'd immediately stick it to the roof of my mouth (after chewing it a bit to soften it, of course) and start sucking, lulling myself to sleep. (My mom was like, "Score!" She was always shoving gum in my mouth after that.) In my family I was known for my sucking. I sucked on anything I put in my mouth, really. Click here for an illustration of this.
But the full-on addiction didn't happen until about 7th or 8th grade, when my mom started stocking the house with gum. She'd buy those packs at Costco and we always had some in the house, which I had access to. I started having gum all the time, and, naturally, I'd suck on it, as I always had. I didn't even think it was weird. I didn't know any different.
It wasn't until my Freshman year of high school that I asked my mom why the minute I put gum in my mouth I felt sleepy. It was then she told me the church story. Now, as a mother, I realize the correlation. It's just like babies: You put a pacifier in their mouth, bam. They're asleep. There's just something about that sucking motion that's very soothing. This probably explains why I'm tired all the time.
So, Jen, to make a short answer very, very long, the way I suck is just like you would suck on a Jolly Rancher. Basically my tongue is pushing the gum to the roof of my mouth. Permanently. This is the natural position of my mouth. Even when I don't have gum in it, my mouth will form this position (when I'm not clenching my teeth.) I've never, ever had a problem of swallowing it, except when I try to sleep with it.
And there you have it. Possibly the weirdest post you've ever read.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
But get this: I said to him, "Okay, so that takes care of the clenching at night, but during the day I suck on gum all day (quit judging me. I'm just a scared little kid who needs pacified 24/7) and everyone keeps telling me I need to get OFF the gum, that it has to be giving me the headaches. BUT, I know what happens when I don't have gum...I clench. Consciously. I can't help it. My jaw has no memory of what the natural position is supposed to be. When my teeth touch (because they almost never do) I automatically start clenching. This gives me headaches." Can you guess what Dentist then said to me? STAY ON THE GUM!! I about died. I have now been instructed by my dentist, AKA Mandibular Expert, to keep sucking on gum, day in and day out. And there you have it, my friends. Never again will I attempt to quit gum, a wasted effort anyway. I will quit feeling guilty about it, thinking of excuses to quit, and relish the fact that I am allowed--nay, instructed to have all the gum my little heart (mouth) desires.
Dentist explained that since I'm not technically "chewing," I am doing no harm to my jaw, nerves, or teeth, and that if I stopped, I would, as I said, start clenching away, causing serious, serious damage. He didn't need to twist my arm.
So, to sum up, no TMJ, mouth guard on the way, free to suck away--hooray!
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
So, desperate for something new to read, something just as can't-put-it-down as the Twilight series (or as close to it as any other book can get), I of course went to the library. And by that I mean my sister, Amy. She had told me about this series, Uglies, a long time ago.
In fact, she was so sure I'd like it she gave it to me, and it sat on my bookshelf for at least six months, collecting dust. This was during my Twilight-only phase, so I was less than interested. I eventually gave it back. Three months later, I asked to borrow it again. I kept hearing about it and was intrigued. I just finished the first book in the series, and couldn't wait to get my hands on the second one. I just got it tonight (thanks, Amy) and am headed to go read as soon as I finish this post.
If you like futuristic sci-fi, which I DO oddly enough, you will love this series. (And don't read the word sci-fi and immediately think aliens like I always do.) Many of you may have already read it, I'm usually a little late in the game when it comes to stuff like this, but if you haven't, I highly recommend it. It. Is. Fascinating. I couldn't put it down, and when I wasn't reading it I was thinking about it, non-stop. It's one of those books that makes you think, and think, and think.
There's a fourth book in the series, which Amy said she will never read because I guess it was an afterthought, after the series wrapped up with number 3. I understand that (like, say, Twilight could have ended after Eclipse, IMO) but I can't see myself not reading a book in a series that I love. I think I may have to read it, although Amy probably doesn't own it.
So...have you read this series? Did you love it? Did you read the fourth book?
Monday, September 15, 2008
Speaking of hurting brains, I went to the doctor today to explore my TMJ theory. So why is it I'm paying $30 to tell them what I think it is, just to have them tell me, "Yeah, that could be it. You need to go see (insert specialist here.)" Um, thanks. Glad to see that degree in medicine's working out for you. One thing that did make me laugh though was when Doctor had me sit up on the paper-covered bed thing and checked my jaw. She put her fingers in front of my ears and had me open and close my mouth. The first time I did it she literally jumped back a tiny bit and said, "Oh! You're...crunchy." Yeah. It scared her. Apparently 15+ years of sucking on gum has a negative affect on your jaw. Huh. I do have to admit I felt a hint of validation that my theory is not too far-fetched. And she even said, "This is good news, actually, we may have found the problem." Of course, she doesn't know, so off to Dentist I go. We did rule out allergies (sort of), though, so that was good. I really appreciate everyone's suggestions and theories on what could be causing these headaches. I've taken them ALL into consideration. Hopefully we'll have answers soon...
So today marked the first completed week of doing Weight Watchers, and I lost 2.6 lbs!! I am so excited. I know it could have been more if I'd eaten a tad bit healthier than I did, so I'm glad, because it showed me that I can still do better. Either way, I am thrilled with my success so far.
I've had sick kids at home for four days now and I'm slowly losing my mind. I've been robbed of two of my kid-free days and I'm feeling it. CURSE YOU COMMON COLD!! In related news, Macy came home from school the other day and informed me very matter-of-factly that her teacher told their class that her dad invented bar code scanners. Hmmm. Needless to say, I was a bit doubtful. But Macy was adamant, and went on to say that her teacher also said her friend's dad invented planes and trains. Really. I gently explained to her that planes and trains were invented long ago, and unless her teacher's friend was Grandma Moses, there was no possible way her dad invented trains. Macy accepted that, but insisted the bar code thing was real. I want to believe her, bless her soul, but last year she came home and told me with that wide-eyed innocence that her teacher told their class she had a flying cat, and was almost in tears when I tried to argue it. Nod and smile, nod and smile.
Here's hoping the headaches end soon, the colds go away, and Macy stops having liars for teachers.
Friday, September 12, 2008
It's about stinkin' time! My DVD collection will never
be complete without Glitter 2!
Ryan Seacrest and Paris Hilton: Think People Want To Watch Them On TV
For those of you who love reality TV,
but wish it was just a little more obnoxious.
She signed on to write a series of young adult books.
A must-have for every 12 year old girl:
"How To, Like, Become Famous, For, Like, Doing Absolutely Nothing"
By Lauren Conrad
Illustrated by Lo Bosworth
Madonna: Thinks She's Still 20
Seriously, we get it. You're 50 and you're incredibly in shape.
Kudos to you. What you don't realize is there's a very
thin line between impressive and ridiculous.
New Kids On The Block: Think It's Still 1989
Here's a little piece of advice for the comeback kids:
If you're trying to prove to the world that you're still hip
20 years later, probably don't do the robot.
In additional news, I finally figured out who's been stealing Mary Kate's pants!
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Me- "So it's normal. They didn't see anything."
Bill- "That's great!!"
Me- (fighting back tears) "Yeah. I just wish I knew what was causing these headaches." (Already picking out the color scheme for my pity party.)
Bill- "Well, that's one step closer to finding what's wrong. Now we just move onto the next step."
How did someone so optimistic wind up marrying Debbie Downer?
New theory: TMJ
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
I actually get the feeling it bugs him, too. Every interview I've seen
of him he's doing this:
And Edward would never have a swoop.
I am on Day 3 of doing Weight Watchers and it's going great. I've actually been surprised at how easy it's been. I told this to Bill last night and he said, "Just wait, it'll get harder." Nice. Thanks, Sweetie. (He was laughing when he said it.)
I don't know why I've been neglecting my movie blog so much lately. I guess it's because I haven't been spending much time on the computer with these headaches (staring at a bright screen doesn't help much) and I haven't been in the movie mode. Hopefully soon...
'Til then, I can at least promise a This Week In Hollywood soon.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
On a completely separate note, I am nearing the month mark for this headache.
MRI is scheduled for tomorrow.
I'll let you know how it turns out.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
And since I know the rest of you are all dying to know the answers, I will list them for you. (Or, as my friend Andrea pointed out, you can just scroll over each picture and the name of the celebrity will pop up at the end of the html address down below. Hopefully none of you noticed that before playing.)
2. Christina Ricci
3. Robert Downey Jr.
4. Halle Berry
5. Christina Aguilera
6. Heidi Klum
7. Zac Efron
8. Naomi Watts (and her brother)
9. Kate Moss
10. Kirsten Dunst
11. Macaulay Culkin
12. Ashley Tisdale
13. Kate Hudson
14. Amy Adams (as Amelia Earhart)
15. Ashlee Simpson Wentz
16. Hilary Duff
17. Kate Bosworth
Honorable mention to Lauren, who only got one wrong, and Karen, who only got two wrong! I love you guys for knowing as much useless crap as I do! And a shout out to Lisa, whose answers made me laugh out loud, five minutes after bawling my eyes out--a massive feat--and Andrea, for her "nasty boob tat" comment. Loved it.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Fact: I currently have 29 blogs in my Google Reader (okay, one is a website. Stephenie Meyer's, too be exact.) There used to be more. A lot more.
Fact: I spend at least two hours a day planted in front of my computer. At least.
Fact: I have a house that I fail to maintain, two young children I try to take care of, laundry that ain't doing itself, and a budding writing career. (Stop laughing. It's rude.) I also have a calling, or job, for my church, a husband that takes up two whole hours of my day, and what I like to think of as a social life.
Fact: If I read every blog of every friend that I have or everyone I knew, my house would look even worse than it does now (stop laughing, it's rude), my kids would play Webkinz all day and eat Snickerdoodles for every meal, the laundry, well, let's face it, it would stay the same, and my novel would never get finished, thwarting any chance of making the New York Times Best Seller list. The list of kids that attend my church would be in complete disarray, my husband would be forced to watch reruns of Wipeout after work, and, let's face it, the social scene around here would crumble.
Fact: I am extremely paranoid about hurting people's feelings, offending anyone, or thinking someone is mad at me. When I was forced to admit that I was spending way too much time blogging and it was time to start cutting back the amount of blogs I read on a day-to-day basis, I was SO WORRIED that people would notice I stopped coming to their blog and be offended or at the very least wonder why. Usually I am just that: paranoid. But as it turns out, my fears were not in vain and so I want to explain to anyone who has noticed my absence.
Just because I may have disappeared from your blog does not mean I don't love you. It doesn't mean I don't still consider you a friend. It doesn't mean your blog or your life bore me. All it means is I have really, really had to cut back on blogging time. It also doesn't mean that I don't check back on occasion just to see what's going on in your corner of the world. I do when I can. I wish I could read and comment on them all. I really do.
And I hope I don't sound hypocritical by doing a post about wanting comments when I've stopped reading and commenting on so many people's blogs. I thought of that after the fact, and I was in no way trying to say, "I don't comment on yours, but you sure as heck better comment on mine." I completely understand if you don't want to comment on my blog. I understand blogging is a two way street.
Okay, I've said it. I'll stop stressing now and I promise to check back on your blogs as often as I can. But if my novel never gets published, I'm blaming you.
No cheating--don't go trying to find the pictures online, that's no fun. Whoever gets the most right, well...there may be a little something coming your way.
3. I have no idea if he is in costume or not
5. Someone's had a little work done. And by little I mean huge.
10. One can only hope she is out shopping for a mirror
14. She is in costume...for a movie she is shooting
17. Someone needs to tell her that rail-thin is so 2006