Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Roll Credits

This has been a very difficult decision for me to make, one I've been going back and forth and back and forth about. But I have decided that I am ending my blog indefinitely. It's just not something I can do right now. It makes me sad to think of not doing it, but it stresses me out to think about doing it, and obviously I haven't been doing it much anyway. I have nothing to say right now that isn't about being sick or depressed, and I know what I need is to just not have to worry about it. I can't sit in front of a computer for more than five minutes anyway without getting a splitting headache and horribly dizzy, and I'd rather spend those five minutes reading what you all have to say on your blogs!

I'm focusing on getting some real answers about what's wrong with me. It's incredibly frustrating dealing with doctors and trying to get answers. (They tried telling me again that it's Celiac, even after the biopsy showed no signs of it.) But I am determined to find out what is wrong with me and put an end to all this misery. I am also going to someone about my anti-depressant. There has to be something out there that works better than this.

Thank you to all my devoted readers and for all the wonderful comments you've given me. I know I'm going to miss it, but at the same time this will be one less stress for me right now. I know you other bloggers probably don't think of it as stressful, but that's what it's become for me. As soon as I am doing better, and I mean all the way better, I may start blogging again. As for now, the Movie Queen is signing off.......

Thursday, October 11, 2007

I'm Sorry

This has been weighing on my mind since I wrote my last post.

I realize that my struggles may seem nothing compared with others' and I truly hope that the timing of my last post didn't come across as selfish, petty, or insensitive in light of recent events. I'm not saying that I had no right to express my personal struggles; I firmly believe that everyone's trials are their own, and what some might consider minor may affect someone else in a major way. I don't want to sit here and take back all that I said about what I've been going through, because it was all true and I needed to get it out.

BUT I absolutely realize that the timing may have cast a negative shadow on my expression of feelings and I sincerely hope that I didn't come across as saying "I've got the biggest problems, feel sorry for me." In retrospect, this week was probably not the best choice for me to complain about my personal woes, and I apologize if it in any way seemed like I was putting my problems above someone else's who could definitely use the love, support, and kind words I was given WAY MORE than me.

I tend to do things without thinking sometimes and this is one I regret. Please know that not a minute goes by where I am not thinking of Rochelle and silently praying for her, and that this whole thing has certainly helped me put my own problems into perspective.

Please visit Kim's blog for details on how to help Rochelle and please help however you can!

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

When the Going Gets Tough...

We all go through hard times. For some people it's a bad day. For others it's a bad week. Some people are happy to have a few good days a month.

I've always considered myself to be a happy person. Although I've suffered with anxiety my entire life, I've never been "depressed." It always drove me nuts when doctors said I suffered from "depression with anxious tendencies." No, I have anxiety. I'm scared, not sad.

For some reason this changed a year ago. I don't know why, I don't know if it's age, changes in my chemical make-up, or what, but for the first time ever I was just depressed. Not anxious, depressed. It lasted a week until I went to my doctor and he adjusted my meds. Problem solved. Or so I thought.

It's a year later and never before have I had to struggle so badly just to get through the day. Again, I don't know why. Everything just seems too hard. It's too hard to clean my house. It's too hard to be social. It's too hard to lose this weight. It's too hard to be a mom. It's too hard to be happy. I'm sure it is largely due to the fact that I've been sick for six months, but, whatever the cause, I'm struggling.

I have had to work on not comparing my life to other people's lives who just seem so perfect and easy and happy and fun. Why, I wondered, do some people have to work so hard at life while other's seem to float through it with a perma-grin? It just doesn't seem fair.

Sunday I was laying on my couch, nursing yet another headache and hating life, listening to conference with my eyes closed. Someone, I don't remember who, was speaking on "enduring to the end." I've heard that phrase a million times in my life, but for some reason it struck me this time like a slap in the face. I realized that that's what it's all about. This life is a test. We weren't sent here to sit back and ride a silver cloud, eating candy and enjoying the view until we die. We were sent here to prove ourselves, that we would remain faithful and strong even as we face trial after trial after trial.

I would like to say things got easier after this. But I'd be lying. I'm still sick. I still feel like I'm hanging by a very thin thread, just trying to get to the end of each day. But it feels more worth it. Instead of hating life and how unfair it all seems I know that I have to endure and that there is a reason for that. And I have to have faith that one day, maybe soon, maybe not, it will get better and easier. I've always been bothered by the "quote" by Christ that says, "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it," because there's nowhere in the scriptures that says he actually said that. But right now, it seems to be the phrase constantly running through my mind.

I better have the biggest mansion in heaven.

Friday, October 5, 2007


I have always been a huge fan of fantasy. As a child I was fascinated by elves, fairies, enchanted forests and anything else magical. I know this is a big part of why I love Enya's music so much. It never fails to carry me away to a make-believe world where nothing is impossible.

When I first heard about the Inheritance series, I thought it sounded kind of hokey. I read that is was written by a 15 year old, which intrigued me, but it sounded like a giant rip-off of Lord of the Rings meets Harry Potter. However, a few years ago I needed something to read and saw the first book, Eragon, sitting on my sister's book shelf. Purely to satisfy my curiosity of what a novel written by a 15 year old would be like, I borrowed it and started reading.

I thought the beginning was slow and I couldn't seem to get past the fact that it was written by a teenager. But finally I forgot about that and soon I was lost in a wonderful world of dragons, dwarves, magic and all things related. I couldn't put it down. Lucky for me I was a late-comer and the 2nd book, Eldest, was already in print. I couldn't wait to get my hands on it.

I finished the sequel last night, and I am having a hard time coming back to the mundane reality of non-magical life. I am dying trying to find anything online that will tell me when the third book, yet untitled, will be released, but it seems to be a long way off. Ugh.

If you like fantasy at all, I strongly recommend the Inheritance series. What I love about it is that, although you can definitely see the influence that Lord of the Rings had on these books, it is definitely not a copycat version and it is not as dark and gory as LOTR. My only wish is that I could somehow insert the Enya songs that are running through my head as I read, creating my own soundtrack that was surely meant to go to this series.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

There's No News Like Old News


If you're going to do the same blog as someone else, do it better, or at the very least, as good as. I couldn't figure out why no one was commenting on my post about Danyelle's baby. "Isn't anyone excited for her?" I thought. "How rude is everyone?" Until I finally read Marilyn's post about it. Oh, so my news with no details 12 hours later wasn't as informative or interesting? That's weird. I mean, come on, who needs to know the exact information up-to-the-minute? I, for one, like old news with very sketchy details.

Welcome Audrey!

Danyelle had her baby last night, a little girl! I'm sadly fuzzy on the details as I've gotten different versions of them, but she is 7 lbs. something and most likely named Audrey. When I get more concrete details I'll post them. Mother and baby are doing great.