Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Dear Stephenie Meyer...
DEAR STEPHENIE MEYER,
It pains me to have to write you this letter, because everyone knows I am an adoring fan and you have been a huge inspiration to me in my writing career. But, as an adoring fan and fellow author, I feel I should let you know how I feel about a certain career move you've made recently, i.e. the novella you felt compelled to write and distribute to the masses called The Short Life of Bree Tanner. First of all, the fact that you call it a novella makes me laugh. I can't hear that word without picturing a dime store Spanish paperback romance novel with a Hispanic Fabio on the cover holding a scantily-clad Penelope Cruz look-alike in his arms.
Secondly, the title of your novella says it all--never was there a shorter life of a character in a novel than Bree Tanner. So short, in fact, that the minor detail of her last name was too insignificant to include. Did you forget? She was in exactly one chapter of Eclipse, not even the whole chapter. And yet you felt she needed an entire book dedicated to her story.
I'm just trying to understand it, Stephenie. Was it that you woke up one morning and decided you hadn't quite banked on the Twilight franchise enough? Or did you realize that the population of the planet had maxed out their obsession with the Cullen family, the hunky werewolf and the whining klutz known as Bella and so you needed to give them another Twilight character to focus their infatuation on? Okaaaay, I can maybe get on board with that, but...why Bree, the newborn vampire who shows up at the very end of Eclipse just in time to get her head ripped off? Why not Mike Newton's mom, or better yet, the bagger at the grocery store? Either character would be just as significant and worthy of their own story as Bree Tanner. I mean, really? Are we supposed to care about how she got changed into a vampire? I hate to ruin it for everyone, but here's a giant spoiler: she gets bit. When, where and under what circumstances? I. Don't. Care. How much don't I care? Well, you offered the novella online for free, and I'm still not gonna read it. Not out of spite, or pride, or any kind of self-respect, but because I am more interested in reading about mold spores or how to fold cardboard boxes than I am about Bree Tanner.
I also can't hep but notice your timing...releasing the book one month before Eclipse comes out in theaters. Which makes me think that your entire reason for writing/publishing/releasing The Short Life of Bree Tanner can be summed up in two words: cha and ching.
In the words of Gallaxhar: lame.