Friday, September 7, 2007

Ten Years and A Few Pounds Later

This weekend is my 10 year high school reunion. Here. Where I graduated. I don't need a plane ticket to go, I don't need to pay $60 bucks to get in, I don't even have to drive more than fifteen minutes to get to any of the events. Less than five for one of them, actually. I have been thinking about these people I graduated with for ten years, wondering what became of them, what they're doing with their lives, what they look like now. I have been dying for this reunion to come so all my curiosity can finally be put to rest.

However, I can't bring myself to go. Why's that, you ask? One pure and simple fact. Below is a picture of me on my way to Senior Prom. This is what I looked like the last time these people saw me:

Okay, so now you see. You get it, right?
I refuse to go and be that girl....the one who shows up to her 10 year reunion all fat.
The one who "let herself go." I've come to terms with the fact that my body, without my consent, decided it loved the way it looked while being pregnant and therefore chose said state as it's permanent appearance. But when I think about those girls in high school who hated me, smirking because "she got hers" or my ex-boyfriend (who WILL be there) sighing relief that he "got out of that one" my pride gets the best of me.
Bill has given me permission to go buy a new outfit that I felt flattered me the most and therefore would make me feel comfortable whilst reuniting, but....what if someone can see right through me? The fat girl masquerading as the
"I still have a rockin' body" girl? And, please, it's clothes, not cosmetic surgery. How much can I really fool them?
And one more question....AM I REALLY THIS SHALLOW?! This is what anything high school-related does to me. Takes me back to the shallow, insecure girl who based her self-worth on her looks. And sure, I'm a great person on the inside-- nice, friendly, funny... but no one will be looking at me saying, "Oh, she was really nice and funny. I wonder if she still is?" Nope, inside, they're gonna be laughing their size 4's off.
Oh, the dilemma.....

No comments: