Saturday, December 13, 2008

10 Surefire Ways To Ruin My Cinematic Experience

*This is in no way meant to be offensive. Just keeping it real. Come on, you know you've all been victims of the Obnoxious Moviegoer.

10. Leave your cell phone on during the movie. If it rings, answer it. For optimum effect, don't bother to whisper when you answer.

9. Bring your boyfriend/girlfriend, sit right in front of me, and make out.

8. Sit in my row, and repeatedly get up and squeeze your way out to the aisle, moving in front of me every time.

7. Talk to the theater people and make sure the copy of the movie I'm watching is defective. Give me a split screen for a while, or better yet, have the sound cut out during the climactic action scene.

6. Laugh at all the wrong parts. Especially the really intense, emotional parts. Laugh when it's an awkward moment on screen. Laugh at random times because a part in the movie made you think of something funny that happened that day. Clap at parts that you like. Make catcalls during love scenes. Clap at the end of the movie. Because, you know, they can hear you and stuff. Maybe if you clap long enough they'll come back out for an encore.

5. Talk to me throughout the movie. Especially at really intense, emotional parts. Better yet, crack a joke during those parts.

4. Bring your toddler. When they start to cry, wait SEVERAL minutes before taking them out of the theater, in case we can still hear some of the dialogue in the movie. Then take them out, kicking and screaming, but walk across the front of the theater as you do so, so we can all see.

3. Sit behind me and talk. Or sit anywhere in the theater and talk for that matter. It doesn't matter what it's about. Make comments about the movie, talk on your cell phone, or sit and chat it up with your friend about how obnoxious you are for destroying everyone else's movie...just talk. The whole time.

2. Sit behind me and kick my chair. Repeatedly. So often that you force me to turn around and give you my Evil Glare (you don't want to be on the other end of that). Then kick some more so that I have no choice but to turn around and ask you to stop, something I DESPISE having to do. Then...just keep kicking. Because I am a major wuss and will not have the guts to ask again. Instead, I will change seats, and continue throwing you the Evil Glare at regular intervals, but I will reserve my most fearsome Evil Glare for when the movie is over and the lights come on and you walk past me. Oh, yeah, that'll teach you.

1. Bring your child to a movie absolutely inappropriate for their age. If all of the above for some reason fail to work, this is a surefire way to ruin my movie. To guarantee a miserable time for me, bring said child to a scary movie, so that I can watch them shield their eyes and start to cry at all the scary parts and then I can imagine the months of horrifying nightmares ahead of them. And, by all means, take them to the really late show, the one where they'll still be there at midnight...and not at home in bed.

Believe me when I say that not a single person I have ever gone to the movies with has ever done any of these things, at least not with me. Except you Kim, you did kick my chair tonight. (Evil Glare) And, okay, Shayla, you were cracking up during the oh-so-serious Glitter scene, but, since the Glitter scene totally deserves to be laughed at, you are forgiven.


Amy J. said...

So how long have you been dying to post this one!? A perfect list of complete and utter rudeness that we have all experienced at one time or another.

So I have to wonder...was this sparked by something that happened at the movies last night or was it just a surge of buried anger that surfaced after noone withered from your evil glare? :)

Alicia said...

I've been meaning to do this post FOREVER, I always think about it at the theater and then forgot by the time I get home. Last night I was fortunate enough to sit in front of Offender #2 (that whole description is exactly what happened) and also witness Offender #1 (I almost never go to a movie without seeing #1 happen) I came home and hurried and wrote this while my fury was fresh and fury-ous.

Noelle said...

oh man, i'm so glad we didn't see twilight together for the first time. i talked the whole way through it. i know...gasp! it was horrible. my group got shushed soooo many times. i totally felt bad but not bad enough to stop. we just couldn't wait until after the movie. i repent. :) i love this post.

Shayla said...

It's so your fault that I was laughing at those parts last night. I was trying so hard not to so I wouldn't ruin it for first time Twilight see'ers, but after watching your Santa Twilight spoof (see an earlier, really, you HAVE to see it) I couldn't stop thinking about Santa's big belly and white beard while Edward's supposed to be wooing us with his twinkling splendor. :-)

meohmyers said...

Okay, so in my defense, I was not Offender #2! I need to clarify!

Offender #2 did in fact continually kick Alicia's chair so often that she moved seats in the middle of the movie and sat down in a seat directly in front of me that was needless to say empty until that point. How do you sit in a movie theater with an empty seat in front of you? That's right. You lounge, using the seat in front of you as your ottoman. So, I then had to sit upright - no big deal - and cracked under the pressure of theater seat etiquette when my foot accidentally slipped and tapped the back of Alicia's chair! Imagine my complete horror in defiling the movie queen's theater going experience when my sudden mishap of toe tappage occured. Luckily the lights were dim and I didn't notice the evil glare. I did apologize after the movie to avoid being labeled Offender #3 though.

Alicia said...

Kim, I am laughing so hard. That was awesome. Sorry for not clarifying that you were NOT Offender #2 last night. And apparently I ruined YOUR movie-going experience by sitting in front of you. My apologies.

Marilyn said...

Alicia, I too sat in from of a #2 offender, they kicked my seat the ENTIRE time. I was so stinkin annoyed. And the things that peeves me the most is that there is plenty of room at Fairchild (compared to other theaters in our area) to be sure not to kick someone's seat over and over and over. I mean come on people!

Oh, and I saw several small children at that 9:40 is RIDICULOUS!

michellemybelle said...

Ha, I am guilty of #6. But I don't care. Hate me if you will, or laugh at me because I'm honest.

Ruby Cottage said...

Alicia, this is exactly why I can hardly get Leon to go to a movie anymore unless he is guaranteed a back row seat. If someone puts their foot on his chair he turns around and tells them to get their blankety blank foot off his chair because he paid for the chair and they didn't. And Leon has such a big voice it works. In my case when I have said that to someone they just purposely kick my chair the rest of the movie. People have NO MANNERS anymore do they?