Saturday, December 13, 2008
10 Surefire Ways To Ruin My Cinematic Experience
*This is in no way meant to be offensive. Just keeping it real. Come on, you know you've all been victims of the Obnoxious Moviegoer.
10. Leave your cell phone on during the movie. If it rings, answer it. For optimum effect, don't bother to whisper when you answer.
9. Bring your boyfriend/girlfriend, sit right in front of me, and make out.
8. Sit in my row, and repeatedly get up and squeeze your way out to the aisle, moving in front of me every time.
7. Talk to the theater people and make sure the copy of the movie I'm watching is defective. Give me a split screen for a while, or better yet, have the sound cut out during the climactic action scene.
6. Laugh at all the wrong parts. Especially the really intense, emotional parts. Laugh when it's an awkward moment on screen. Laugh at random times because a part in the movie made you think of something funny that happened that day. Clap at parts that you like. Make catcalls during love scenes. Clap at the end of the movie. Because, you know, they can hear you and stuff. Maybe if you clap long enough they'll come back out for an encore.
5. Talk to me throughout the movie. Especially at really intense, emotional parts. Better yet, crack a joke during those parts.
4. Bring your toddler. When they start to cry, wait SEVERAL minutes before taking them out of the theater, in case we can still hear some of the dialogue in the movie. Then take them out, kicking and screaming, but walk across the front of the theater as you do so, so we can all see.
3. Sit behind me and talk. Or sit anywhere in the theater and talk for that matter. It doesn't matter what it's about. Make comments about the movie, talk on your cell phone, or sit and chat it up with your friend about how obnoxious you are for destroying everyone else's movie...just talk. The whole time.
2. Sit behind me and kick my chair. Repeatedly. So often that you force me to turn around and give you my Evil Glare (you don't want to be on the other end of that). Then kick some more so that I have no choice but to turn around and ask you to stop, something I DESPISE having to do. Then...just keep kicking. Because I am a major wuss and will not have the guts to ask again. Instead, I will change seats, and continue throwing you the Evil Glare at regular intervals, but I will reserve my most fearsome Evil Glare for when the movie is over and the lights come on and you walk past me. Oh, yeah, that'll teach you.
1. Bring your child to a movie absolutely inappropriate for their age. If all of the above for some reason fail to work, this is a surefire way to ruin my movie. To guarantee a miserable time for me, bring said child to a scary movie, so that I can watch them shield their eyes and start to cry at all the scary parts and then I can imagine the months of horrifying nightmares ahead of them. And, by all means, take them to the really late show, the one where they'll still be there at midnight...and not at home in bed.
Believe me when I say that not a single person I have ever gone to the movies with has ever done any of these things, at least not with me. Except you Kim, you did kick my chair tonight. (Evil Glare) And, okay, Shayla, you were cracking up during the oh-so-serious Glitter scene, but, since the Glitter scene totally deserves to be laughed at, you are forgiven.