Friday, February 20, 2009

Not Afraid To Admit Defeat

My sister-in-law linked to a blog today that gave blogging tips. I gained great insight into the world of blogging. But more importantly, I stumbled across a post that seemed to have come straight from heaven onto my computer screen. It said EXACTLY what I have been thinking and feeling for the last few months. Please, before you read any more of my post, go read this post. Now.

NO! Go read it first!!!!



Okay. Now that you've read it, I can go on. I could have said every single thing she said. The anxiety, stress, fear of offending...I have it all.

So here's the thing. I am a MAJOR people pleaser. Like, no one knows just how bad it is. I have thought back through my childhood and dissected every aspect of it and tried to figure out what causes this obsessive need for people to like--no, LOVE me.

Also, I am a comment fiend. Yes, we all love comments. But I live and breathe comments. It's sad, really.

Hence, my temporary loss of sanity. Honestly, I don't know what I was thinking. I knew, even as I wrote it, that it was insane, and I was setting myself up for major failure. But I was so willing to try if it meant more comments. And it did. And I loved it. You have no idea how much I loved it. But within the first day I was already behind on blogs, and I would never catch up. And with each new comment I only had more blogs to add to my reader, knowing I was running a race I would never finish.

Now, I go into my reader, see that triple digit number of posts to read and shake my head in defeat. I read my closest family members' and a few blogs that make me laugh, and that's on a good day. With every "mark all as read" I feel a little lighter. Every time that slider bar shrinks a smidgen, I feel closer to success. But it's never enough.

And this was BEFORE I got a job. A job that requires me to be on the computer, writing.

I am also trying to write a novel. (Have I mentioned this before?) This puts me at my computer, writing.

Also, I'm gonna go ahead and admit this, my favorite part about blogging is posting. Not reading other blogs, not commenting, but posting. I love it. I am a writer and I thrive on writing whatever the heck I want and knowing people will read it and possibly tell me what they think of it. It's a high that I'm not ashamed to say I'm addicted to.

All of this, and a family, which sadly, should not have come after the other stuff. And a house. And what I kid myself into believing is a social life. And a church calling. And tv shows to watch. And hobbies that I still consider hobbies even though I don't do them.

But still, all...the...comments.........

And I promised everyone.............

And now I'll look like a complete loser going back on my word............

But it's not physically possible. Blogging is supposed to be fun, not stressful. And right now it's oh so stressful for me. I tried, I really tried. So, if my, comments take a major hit, I guess that's the price for enjoying blogging again, stress-free. I will still read whenever I can, and comment when I can, but it probably won't be much at all. Maybe you'll keep reading my blog because you enjoy it. Maybe you'll even comment because you love me. And if not, I'll deal with it. Or my therapist will.

21 comments:

Shayla said...

Blogging should be fun, once it isn't anymore than it ain't worth it. I'd seriously never get anything done if I commented on EVERY blog I read and I'd end up with a serious"er" mental disorder than I already have. I don't blame you one bit for needing to cut back just a little (or a lot). :-)

Ben and Alissa said...

I can't believe triple digits in your google reader! That would make me feel sick thinking I had to read and comment on them all, while trying to not being on the computer all day long!

I will definitely still read your blog and comment! I love your posts. I love the way you write!

I hope that cutting back helps you to feel less anxious and stressed out.

Davis Family said...

This is me....not leaving a comment....because I am SO offended....sheesh ;) (still a bit nervous about leaving a sassy comment, but I had permission right??)

AOlson said...

I read your blogg becasue I love how you write and what you have to say. You put things so well. If you don't comment on my blog or even read it, I will still continue to read your blog. I am one who very often reads blogs and doesn't comment simply because I don;t have something clever to say.

Noelle said...

geez luhweez lady the stress i feel from you is amazing. i hope you find peace in your blogging life and HAVE FUN. this should be a release. can't wait to hear about your book jackets. i'd love to read them.

Melissa Mae said...

I'm the same way.I am a TOTAL people pleaser, and it's so hard to simmer down. And as an artist, I REALLY want to see those comments rolling in. But I don't really. I just have to remember that I'm blogging for ME. One day I'll make my blog into a book for memories sake, and I'll just enjoy looking back at what I had to say at this point in my life. It's for me, no one else.

andrea said...

TRIPLE DIGITS?! Holy crap! I think having a private blog REALLY helps eliminate some of that stress. I know who my readers are, and I can pretty much bank on the same few people commenting. I don't blame you for feeling a tid overwhelmed. Cut back and do it FOR FUN!

I know I've said this before... but sometimes it scares me how much you and I think alike!

tharker said...

No worries Alicia. Seriously. NO worries. ;)

debsters said...

It took a major stress off when I took comments off my blog. I, like you, enjoy the posting. I did, however, include my e-mail address on my profile and so if someone feels inclined to leave me a comment or something they can do that, and they have. I still read all the blogs I used to, plus more, but only comment when something touches me or when I feel inspired. It's just what works for me.

Kristi said...

I agree with all of the above comments... except Brenda's. Because I'm not offended. ;D

Dandee said...

I really love Debbie's comment.

Sometimes I sit at my keyboard really wanting to leave someone a comment because I want them to know I'm reading and I sit...and sit...and sit...with nothing really to say.

Do what's right for you. We'll all still be here. :)

Mike Brinkerhoff said...

It's all true!

K.Hatch said...

Love this post! So true! I stopped months ago. Cant do it. I have to admit....I do come to your blog to read...cause you are a great writer of true feelings! And that is what I like about blogging! its like reading someones journal! And your journal, baby....is superb! I may not comment..but it doesnt matter. As long as your are getting your thoughts across! Cheers to blogging.....no comments!

hatch said...

I can honestly say I understand how you feel about this. I read your blog because I can relate to you and you are sooo funny.

I like Debbies take on commenting. It really would make things easier.

Amy said...

I know how you feel, and I don't read half as many blogs as you do. I still love you. Plus you're just fun to read.

meohmyers said...

Awww. I wish you didn't feel like you had to defend yourself. I don't think anyone can blame anyone for lack of commenting. We all love them, yes, but seriously, do any of us have the time to make a full-time job out of it? No way.

I, too, feel the same exact way Debie does about commenting. I don't think you should feel obligated to comment, just when you feel inclined to do so.

I can't even believe you have hundreds of posts to read. That's insane. I say mark them all as read and just start over. Who could blame you? Make this one less thing to worry about.

JenFielding said...

Triple digits? That is insane. I was gone for 4 days and was surprised to see 33. You are so popular :) Just keep posting, I love to read your blog.

Marilyn said...

Alicia, I can relate. A year ago or so, I was feeling much the same as this and then a wise friend told me pretty much this.

"Comment if you feel like it and don't if you don't. Who cares?"

I decided that I, for one, don't care. And once I decided that, it has become much easier to let the stress over commenting ALL THE TIME go. Much easier. It took some time, but eventually I got to where it wasn't that important anymore. The comments I was making AND the comments I was getting. Sure, I love getting comments and some days I check them often, but if I don't feel like it then I don't.

Also, once I let that stress go, the actual process of blogging (thinking, writing, posting) has become much more enjoyable to me.

Love you :)

Amy J. said...

Alicia, I feel your pain. I have only gone to your blog since getting my computer back because after almost a month of being gone I too am in the triple digits! I think I may take Kim'a advice and start fresh.

polka dots said...

to comment or not to comment...that is the question. great post. blog for yourself. go to the blogs you would like. comment if you would like. don't comment if you don't.

ps: i would come to your blog even if you allowed no comments.

ashley said...

Alicia this is a great post, and I can totally relate. I think a lot of people can! It's hard to catch up on the Google Reader and to make comments on everyones. On the other hand, you don't want anyone to feel that you don't read their posts, so you feel like you have to comment...

I like Marilyn's advice that comment if you feel like it and it you dont, then dont! We'll still all be here reading your blog whatever you choose to do :)