Thursday, September 17, 2009


I'm feeling broken. Broken in mind, body and spirit. If you talk to me, I probably seem the same, but inside, life is hard right now.

It begins with the physical aches and pains and general unwellness, which reaches its creeping, grabbing fingers into my soul and twists and wrenches.

My body hurts and my heart and mind are sad. The days are getting colder and darker and this makes it hard to tell my heart to feel happy. Instead it feels heavy. Very heavy.

It is weighed down with various life things, such as trying to be a better parent and failing every time.

It is weighed down by wanting to give advice and help but failing because I myself am in no position to give it.

It is weighed down by seeing people hurting and wanting to help but not knowing how because if I did I would cure myself.

It is weighed down by the pain in my head, the overall feeling inside my body, the fight to keep my eyes open at any given time.

I know it could be worse. I know people suffer far more than I do. I know that life can't always be sunshine and smiles. I know this.

But it still hurts, and today I'm not going to try and hide it.


Cindy Brinkerhoff said...

I'm sorry Alicia. I have had a few days like this myself lately. I hope you feel better soon :)

Anonymous said...

I am coming out of a difficult year of those feelings. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I know it is hard.

May you be blessed as you trudge along in search of brighter times.

Noelle said...

love you cousin

Lauren said...

I am sorry you are hurting. (((HUGS)))

Rachael said...

I'm not so good at the serious stuff, generally I crack a stupid joke and laugh my work laugh....So instead, I will just let you know I am thinking about you, and I hoping you feel better. And when you start to feel like a crappy parent just mentally picture what it looked like to watch me load my 5 year old into the back of the sequoia and shut him in the trunk.

M-A said...

hang in there...find something to distract yourself, like a good project. that's what i do.

Shayla said...

Oh, I HATE these feelings!! It's so not fair when life just HURTS. The darkness always does it to me this time of the year. The lack of sleep. The new schedule. The kids bickering like animals when school lets out. You know how it is. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you. Sounds like you need some yummy food, a good movie and some friends. Not the cure-all, but it helps. Love you!

ashley said...

I hope you feel better soon Alicia, I think we all have those days-or even weeks sometimes! I've just come to accept that no matter how good we are or try to be, life will always be hard. I just think of Nie Nie, and when I read her posts, they just lift me up. She's gone through a lot-and then I think to myself, "how can I complain?" But sometimes we just have to! So for what it's worth, I think your an amazing, inspiring, spiritual, and extremely talented individual. Hang in there :)

Amy J. said...

I really hope you are not feeling like you didn't give me good advice yesterday when I called you...cause you totally, completely did. I will quote a very wise and wonderful mother that you know so very well (since it is you) "No one knows what is best for you and your kids than you. And the fact that you are worrying about what kind of mother you are being, makes you a good mother."

dandee said...

Some days, just getting our emotions out there makes all the difference in the world. Other days, knowing that He understands us better than anyone brings the comfort we need.

Hope you know how much you're loved.

Lee said...

I really appreciate the rawness of this post. The pure honesty. It is hard to put yourself out there sometimes, but you did it beautifully. I hope that you feel peace, and love. You are amazing.

Lisa said...

sometimes we feel
that we are unfit
less than another
but that's bull-crap
listen dalisha
i have this nitch
for saying things straight
sometimes i'm a brat
someone once said
"this too shall pass"
i say, go get'em
and get off your butt
if you need me you know
i'll be there with my van
no matter what time
i don't give a flip
you are a star
you know do
so there was my poem
especially for you


Ms. Kristen said...

Amen to Lisas' peom! Ha! Love her!
I feel your pain! Anything I can do....holler!

Amy said...

I'm so sorry you are hurting right now. I hope you feel better soon. Jessica Christensen spoke in church today about how Jesus suffered for us and understands these kinds of feelings too. I've been feeling this way too, and it helped to hear that today.

Marilyn said...

Alicia, this post breaks my heart. I can't stand to see someone I love feeling so crappy.

I hope that by putting these emotions out there, it helped lift some of that burden.


Melany said...

This image fits perfectly with a poem that I wrote entitled "Broken Butterfly." I was wondering if you had the rights to the image, and if you would mind if I reproduced it on my blog. For my blog audience, I would crop the image to just the wings, head and arms. I could credit the image to you. Please comment back to let me know. Thank you!

Alicia said...

Melany--sorry, not my picture. I found it online, Googling "sad" or something. Im sure you can find it if you search a little. Good luck!