Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Deep Thoughts


Today Payson and I were driving to pick up Macy from school and as we drove in silence I did what I often do when I'm with one of my kids alone in the car to fill the silence: I said "I love you." In his sweet little voice he immediately responded as he always does, "I love you." My thoughts had already turned to something else when suddenly Payson said: "What's 'I love you?' " And before I could answer he re-phrased his question as he usually does as his little brain catches up with what he's trying to say. "What's 'I love you' mean?" It caught me so off guard, but it was immediately one of those "moments" that I knew I didn't want to end. I was so amazed and thrilled that my son was beginning to question things that had always been so automatic, and wanting to learn about things that he senses are important.
But suddenly I panicked as I realized I had no clue how to answer the question, at least in terms he would understand. How do you explain love to a 3 year old? The best I could come up with was, "It's when you like someone a whole, whole, whole, whole lot." I knew he understood what it means to like something, so I was pretty sure he could understand what it meant to bump it up to the next level. He was satisfied, and responded with an "oh."
This conversation has stuck with me all day. I get so warm and excited inside when I think of what must have been going through his head as he suddenly questioned what this phrase meant that he said so automatically. I know we read about these moments in books about parenting and magazines and such, but in reality, at least for me, they don't usually happen. They are very rare for me and so needless to say I soak them up.
Macy too has become quite the philosopher. Her area of pondering is always the gospel and the meaning of life and it amazes me. It's always as I'm saying goodnight to her, tucking her in, she'll suddenly ask something such as: "Mommy, we're not supposed to do what Satan wants us to, but will it hurt his feelings if we don't?" or "Does Heavenly Father sleep?" More often than not they are questions I am completely baffled by, but sometimes they are valid, thought-provoking questions and before I realize it we are in the depths of a powerful gospel discussion. She's not even six yet! It's not that I'm especially amazed at her knowledge of the gospel; most of what she knows is typical primary stuff. It's the fact that it's obvious she is seriously thinking about these things, A LOT, when I would have thought it would be things like which Polly Pocket she wants for her birthday or when is she going to get a new baby. (Poor, deprived girl!)
But really none of this surprises me. I have contemplated life and the here-after for as long as I can remember. It's one of my favorite things to do to think about things we can't possibly know and see if I can put some of the puzzle pieces together and get some answers. It gives me peace during times when life here on earth seems too hard to bear, to think about a time when there will be no more pain, no more suffering, no more physical ailments or heartache or anger. I have had numerous dreams about the second coming and I know that the way I feel during those dreams is exactly how it will feel when it happens. I can't wait.
It's wonderful to know that of all the many things I have passed onto my kids that I wish I hadn't, there is at least one thing I am learning I passed onto them that I am extremely proud of.

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