Saturday, March 3, 2007

Honesty

I can keep making excuses to people who come over about why my house is such a mess.
I can keep eating healthy in front of people and then gorge myself on junk when no one is looking.
I can keep talking about my husband and how awesome he is so that people will know we have a happy marraige.
I can keep comparing myself to all the wonderful women that surround me and try my hardest, bit by bit, to become them.
I can keep my anxiety, phobia, and depression to myself for fear of what people will think of me.
I can keep appearing to be the perfect member of the church, making sure people know when we have FHE or watch every session of General Conference.
I can keep telling my friends about the times I read to my kids or do something loving so they'll think I'm as good a mother as they are.
I can keep it a secret that not a day goes by that I am not on my couch taking a nap after lunch while my kids watch a movie.
I can keep trying to hide the fact that we're poorer than everyone else we know.
I can keep telling people whatever they need to hear to think I am just as good as them.
I can keep being something I'm not.
But I refuse to.
As terrifying as it is for me to think of everyone knowing the true me,
it is more terrifying (and exhausting) for me to constantly put on an act.
I have to be me.
And I'm not saying I'm completely happy with who that is,
but I accept that I am not perfect, or even that I'm nowhere near as good as most people.
And as I try to change the things I don't like, as hard as that is,
I will be truthful about the person that I am right now.
Because in reality
I struggle to keep my house clean on a daily basis. Despite my efforts, it is almost always a mess.
I struggle with my weight. I love food. Losing this weight has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
I struggle with the constant desire for people to know how awesome my husband and marraige are. Of course we have to work at it just like every other couple.
I struggle with self-esteem issues. I am forever comparing myself to everyone else and consistently come up short.
I struggle with anxiety and depression. Every day of my life. I will never be ashamed of the fact that I will be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life. And I'm in therapy
I struggle with things I know I should be doing, and things I should not be doing.
I struggle immensely with being a mother. There. I said it. It's the hardest thing I have EVER had to do, and I wonder every single day if I wasn't cut out for it. I live in a world of guilt and fear of what I might be doing or not doing that will affect my precious children.
I struggle with an excessive need for sleep. I have to have a nap every day to be able to function for the rest of the day.
I struggle with embarassment of how poor we are and that everyone has such nicer things than we do.
And that is me.
No pretense, no rose-colored glasses.
I strive every day to be honest to that person
and to try my absolute hardest to not care what anyone thinks about me
except me and the Lord.
Because He made me.
That right there says I am just as good as anyone else.
And...
I know that I love and want a clean house, and try every day to achieve it.
I know that I desperately want to lose this weight and every day I wake up determined to "do better today."
I know that I have a wonderful, healthy, happy marraige and am with to my soul mate.
I know that my husband and my Savior believe I am just as good as everyone else, and that is all that matters to me.
I know that I have a medical condition that makes me scared all the time. It's my trial in life, and I chose it. I am still learning after 14 years what I am supposed to be learning from it.
I know that I strive to better myself every day. To be honest to myself, to others, to the Lord, and to do what I know I am supposed to be doing.
I know that I love my kids more than anything on this planet. They are my world, and I would give my life for either one of them. If they never have to question one thing, it is that I love them.
I know that it has been proven that some people require more sleep than others. I am one of them. Depression makes people tired, as do anti-depressants. I defy anyone to judge me for taking a daily nap.
I know that despite the fact that we are poor, we have never wanted for anything. We have a beautiful home, have never been car-less, hungry, or cold, and have a house full of things we wanted and were able to get. We are still in the school phase of life, and I have got to stop comparing myself to people who aren't.
So this is why I am so honest about my flaws.
Because it is how I feel better about them.
Weird, I know.
But that's me.

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