Secrets

Secrets. We all have secrets. I don't mean secrets like things people have told us in confidence. I mean things going on in our lives that we can't or don't want to share with anyone else, even our closest friends and family.
I've been thinking a lot about secrets lately. There are the exciting secrets that you have, like when you're pregnant (no, I'm not) and exploding with excitement to tell someone, or everyone! Then there are secrets that you're dying to tell someone but shouldn't, but you do anyway, and then you have guilt. Then there are secrets that you can't tell anyone and don't want anyone to know about, but it's killing you to hold it it all inside and you really need to talk about it, but just really can't. And then there's secrets that are so secret that you can't talk about, don't want anyone to know about, and don't care if it's hard to bear the burden yourself as long as no one ever finds out.
It's so weird to me, secrets. That something could be happening in someone's life that is a huge deal, that is occupying 99% of their thoughts, and yet their closest friends and family are clueless. They have to walk around like normal, acting as if everything's the same, when on the inside they're screaming that they have this huge secret and are almost resentful that no one has a clue. They are dying for everyone to know so they can stop holding it inside and bearing the burden themselves while simultaneously knowing the repercussions of the secret being revealed.
Am I killing you? I'm not meaning to. Try not to fixate on what my secrets might be, and just take this moment to think about the above mentioned types of secrets and realize that if you have had these kinds of secrets you would want people to respect your privacy.
I promise I'm not trying to torture you or be all mysterious. My intent in writing about this is to relieve some of the burden, to let people know that if I seem different in any way, this is why. It feels so liberating to even say I have secrets, it doesn't feel so lonely. I'm not looking for people to try and figure out what it is, and even if you called me up and asked me I wouldn't say. I'm simply asking that people understand, that they would think, "Okay, something is going on with her, she's obviously going through something right now" and understand that I'm not often in that happy, funny, light-hearted place right now. I go back and forth, but mostly it's been very hard.
Thank you for being the friends that you are and forgiving me for being so cryptic. Honestly, it feels better even saying what I've said.

*Today's Enya song is called Only Time. You may have heard it on the final season of Friends, a lot.