Wednesday, March 5, 2008

"Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?" --Chazz, Blades of Glory

Lately I can't seem to nail down a single thought. It's a scary feeling. I don't seem to have one concrete idea that I feel confident about. What the heck am I talking about, you wonder? It's really hard to explain, because I can't sort my thoughts enough to explain it in any way that would make sense! Therapist and I are discussing this to death. So far, nothing. Well, not nothing. Apparently I have some issues, or something.

So my head is a whirlwind of thoughts. Before I've finished one thought I'm already on to the next. The worst part about it is I am sure of nothing. I will think something, and instantly question it with "but what if this?" or "but it could be this, too." I know the word "obsessive" fits in here somewhere. Therapist told me I have obsessive compulsive tendencies and inwardly I laughed. What does therapist know? I don't wash my hands any more than I have to (I actually hate washing my dries them out) and I don't have to turn light switches on and then off and then on again, etc. (I do however have to eat Peanut Butter M&M's in twos. Have to.) But shortly after she told me this, I realized that I do obsess, in my thoughts. A LOT. And it seems to be getting worse. So here's a rundown on my thoughts in any given five minutes:

~ I seriously need to exercise.
~ What good snacks do we have right now?
~ Bill's not home, he won't know if I eat sugar.
~ I'm just going to hate myself if I eat this.
~ Mmmm, that was really good.
~ Great, I just ate sugar, adding another week to my splitting headache.
~ What is it with these headaches?
~ I wonder if I have a tumor.
~ Why is my house such a mess?
~ I've been cleaning all day.
~ I really should put a stop to movie #3 for Payson.
~ Am I a horrible mother?
~ Okay, if I play Transformers for ten minutes with him, I'll have met my quota for today.
~ I'm a good mom, and one heck of an Optimus Prime.
~ Should I be calling someone?
~ I never call anyone.
~ Should I be trying harder at my friendships?
~ Does anyone miss me if I don't call them?
~ Maybe I'll just read their blogs instead.
~ I'm so tired, is it really only 10:00?
~ Maybe I should take a shower.
~ But if I take a shower I'd have to fix my hair and then I'd take a nap and have bed hair.
~ What does it matter? I'm not going anywhere.
~ How did this gum get in my mouth?
~ I swear I don't remember putting it in there.
~ I guess I could exercise, I haven't showered yet.
~ But my head hurts so bad and I'm so tired.
~ Can I play the headache card and take a 10:00 nap?
~ No, I can't sleep right now, I need something to wake me up.
~ Sugar. Sugar will wake me up.
~ No! You can't eat sugar, find something else to do.
~ I guess I could clean some more.
~ How come my phone hasn't rung?
~ Oh, right, Amy's at the book fair all day.
~ I wonder what everyone else is doing right now?
~ Does anyone else watch the clock waiting for lunch/nap time?
~ Is there something wrong with me?
~ Hopefully therapist can figure me out.
~ Look how cute Payson looks sitting there scowling at the tv.
~ I need a pop.

I know what you're thinking "eee, eee, eee, eee." (That was the screeching music from Psycho.)

Yeah, that's the roller coaster ride that is my thoughts. Okay, maybe a roller coaster ride on acid. In order to get to sleep at night I have to consciously think of black nothingness to clear my head and relax. This takes no less than twenty minutes. What do you I one crazy thought away from a straight-jacket and a padded room?

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